It’s been very hard to focus, yet I am forcing myself to continue the renovation that started this past year. For one, the heaviness of the outcome, being unresolved, still makes me emotional. I tell myself over and over again that I did everything that I could to make it all feel worth it. I practice the new techniques for self soothing that I have recently learned and yet I am not 100% myself again.
I can’t explain how it feels to be shattered into a million pieces so publicly. The experience was like being a piece of glassware shattered only to have people look away because your value isn’t high enough so they step on what is broken.
I grieve a lot lately. I grieve for others who sit in silence and I grieve for those who have shared their stories. That have so bravely engaged in their trauma. It’s not for the faint of heart and I feel the heaviness of the irresolution. It angers me when I see their faces and then I see the sea of people who continue to look the other way.
What should I do when I know my part is done? My part in the battle is done but the war is not over. I am far too aware now. Sometimes it feels like I am drowning in sorrow. My priorities are family, God, peace and love. Caring for myself so I can care for others.
Taking in the slow life when the rest of the world seems to be spinning far to quickly. So quickly that we miss what is happening in a moment.
Where do I go? I go to my yoga mat. I learn to breathe again. Breathe into the pain. To be present again. To feel what it’s like to be in my body when I want to detach from it so badly.
Learning to breathe, stretch, pray and wait.
Wait for what? Change. Significant change. Despite this intention, I feel dread and sorrow. I didn’t realize just how sick the world is. I’ve always wanted to believe and see the best in people, no matter what my gut said.
Truth is, my gut is right. Our world is broken. People do not have the best intentions, and they are delighting in suffering at a growing rate.
Are you feeling the same thing? I have not given up on hope. I am merely allowing myself to feel what I am feeling, Sadness. Again, I am grieving. For you, for me, for us….
Why is it that what evil is considered good and good considered evil? I am seeing this truth more than I’d like to admit. I believe and root for the good guys. You’re out there, no?
SPEAK UP!! Our world is drowning and we need more good guys than ever. Be willing to risk is all and speak what is true otherwise we are all trapped in a world of lies and illusions.